You could either mow it down or hose it off.

If three wise men rode pass my house atop their camels one spring morn, they would completely agree with me about lawns. They certainly would agree that maintaining a lawn of Bermuda grass is just pointless ‘make work.’ Doing something for no discernable or pragmatic reason. If you need something out front to show your neighbors, build a quarter scale railroad complete with trestles and waterfalls instead.

So, after years and years mowing and pondering lawn care, I have concluded that agonizing and trundling over one’s Lawn Has no real economic or intrinsic value. Can’t sell it. Can’t eat it. But it does support a huge power equipment industry.

Lawn mowing and lawn care is the engine that drives a vast lawnmower manufacturing and marketing organizations. Selling expensive (and often needing expensive repair as well) riding and walking lawnmowers. And that’s not all.

Weekend lawn piddling and fretting give lawn chemical companies reason to sell expensive chemical fertilizers and toxic herbicides. Chemicals brewed up to ‘green-up’ a square of grass in the front yard or back. Why? What’s the purpose? But is all this good reason to coddle a lawn? Would the Wise men do this huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, if lawns were to suddenly evaporate and no homeowner needed to maintain a lawn then possibly all these peripheral mow-happy and expensive equipment businesses could move away. Then adult men would have to find something else to occupy their extra time. Possibly save tons of money and watch more weekend sports. Maybe even talk to one’s kids or wife.

Come on. Think about it. How did all this ‘Make work lawnary’ get started? Where did the notion of lawns come from? Answer. It’s just a lawn growing and mowing cartel. A small consortium of sadistic manipulating power hungry men perpetrating a lawn mowing conspiracy. I’m almost sure someone first invented the lawn mower. Then needed something clever to do with it. Thus came the lawn. Lawns need mowing. Don’t they? “Either get yourself and lawn and mower or we will come and take your kids.”

So as a result of the lawn mowing racketeers, Lawn mowing and all its residual accoutrements are promoted as “great fun or else.” Yeah right. To my way of thinking, lawns and its endless mowing-trimming-edging-raking-blowing-bagging is more like a undeniable terminal disease or death sentence. So, if you don’t mow in lockstep with your neighbors, consequences will surely follow. The mowing Mafia(AKA your neighbors) will surround your house and cast profane statements towards your front porch if you refuse to comply.

Now, the secondary profit center is the pharmaceutical and Allergy industry. Any given Saturday morning a billion tons of Bermuda grass particles waft in the air. Thus creating the biggest sneezing season of the year. Sending adults and children to Allergist and drug stores. Seeking treatment for itchy eyes, running noses, and skin rashes. A horrible condition to be in. And this is to not mention the need for expensive Kleenex, goggles, and surgical masks. Plus skin ointments and mosquito sprays. And, if all these conditions didn’t exist, what would drug stores and doctors do? What would the Wise men say to do?

Get rid of your lawn. Get rid of the expense. Get rid of the side effects and allergies. All brought on by maintaining a freaking useless bothersome lawn. Lawns? Who needs them? Pave your front yard over with green concrete and just admire or snicker at your neighbor as he walks endless miles over his lawn. Perhaps you can take up tennis or golf instead. Do the three Wise Men play golf?