Invoking the name of Peter Pan

Peanut butter prices are going up. Just like most self-respecting individuals, I love peanut butter. I like it with jelly, with butter, or peanut butter alone. I am old enough to say I was maybe one of the first kids in America to eat peanut butter on a regular bases. From grammar school to the present. Sixty plus years of eating peanut butter sandwiches, peanut butter cookies, and just taking a big scoop out of the jar. Mmmm good.

But now, the price of the brown goo, which sticks to the roof of your mouth, is going up. It going to cost me more to maintain my peanut butter addiction. Why? Has peanut gone global? Is the price of peanut butter priced to reflect that of a worldwide commodity? Are huge multinational corporations coming to America with military force and confiscating the sub-trainman goober? Will occupying forces remove peanut butter from local markets and force it global?

Why is Washington not intervening? How will we protect our precious brown spread? If peanut butter goes away due to high prices, what will we do with all this white wonder bread? Peanut butter cookies will cease to exists. We may have to go to some tofu butter substitute. Arg! That sounds awful. Icky!

I suggest congress get involved. They should provide a subsidy to offset the high cost of peanut butter. Possibly a tax credit might help. Or, how about some old fashioned protectionism.

Nonetheless, don’t allow peanut butter to be exported to China or India. Please somebody, save our peanut butter. Sharing it with the world just aint right. Where is George Washington Carver when we need him? Peanut butter is purely American and belongs nowhere else.