If computer were human, I would be a "Hitman."

I wonder if I am the only one who has ever thought of slamming my fist onto my computer keyboard? And, for whatever good it would do. Yes, I am a computer abuser. I think ill thoughts about my computer. I wish I could just look at the screen and it would explode. Hmm. Good thing I can’t. Who would clean up the mess and pick the shards of glass out of my bleeding face.

I read in the newspapers many stories of rising incidents of rage and depression. People exploding into meltdown conditions in an instant. Road rage, air travel rage, cell phones in movies rage, can’t get the dinner order right rage, and yes, computer rage. Situations with a short fuse.

But I wonder what percentage of these situations is brought on by unrealistic expectations. A microwave society easily detonated by teetering volatile situations. Situations like being stuck way back in a fast food drive through line. Thinking the fast food place is just waiting to get back at me. Then, fuming, boiling, and erupting into a volcanic plume.

All with the expectation of being handled or solved in an instant. If we can’t complete that Google search in 1.756 seconds, all hell will break loose. Resulting in slamming a fist onto a computer keyboard. Thus, ending up with a smashed keyboard and several bruised knuckles. How stupid.

But, back to my personal computer. I know it hates me. It’s bull headed and self-willed. I really think all computers hate people in general. Especially people who, like myself, refuse to read the computer manual. With the expectation that the computer should be more human friendly. “It should read my thoughts.” Mind recognition? Sure, just download it from readmymind.com.

Anyway, I hate computers. They have created more problems than they have solved. Sometimes taking more time to remedy a problem that it would take if we would just walked to the store and buy a book in person. Computers are just a “Make-work” piece of junk. Microprocessors and software vowing to revenge its human owners. Spiteful, recalcitrant, and silicon contrarians. Just don’t forget to pray to the computer gods. A vengeful bunch.

Just do as I want you to do and we'll get along for sure.

I want a computer that I will never ever need to replace.  It will never need new software.  No new hardware or software to learn or become obsolete.  Just the same thing day after day.  Same operating system.  Same functionality.  Always predictable.  Year after year.  Never ever changing. Never!  Ever!

However, I not only want voice recognition but angry thought recognition as well.  I want it to know when I am sometimes pleased with the PC’s performance.  Most of all, I want it to be vary aware of when I am mot pleased.  Especially when I am about to slam my fist on its keyboard.  I want it to acquiesce and defer to my moods.  “Oh, I am so very sorry your Excellency sir.”  All written in big bold letters across the PC screen.

Yes, I shall be in charge.  Not the computer.  No sir!  I want that freaking thing to lick my boots and always say nice things about me.  I most of all want it to say it’s sorry.  I want apology and contrition. 

Just do what I want and don’t ask all those silly exasperating questions computers always are asking.  Don’t give me that Yes or No or that silly cancel jive.  Just gbe nice and I’ll most likely take you most everywhere I go.  Maybe.  And if you were naughty then I’ll leave you out in the hot suffering car.  Yes, PC, left there to bake and let you suffer in your own digital recalcitrant juices.  Fry baby fry.

Yes, this is what I want for sure.  A user friendly compassionate and well-behaved computer.  And most of all do as I say and not as I want to do to you.  You hear me PC! 

No more updating in the middle of a word document.  No more arbitrary frozen blue screen.  No more gotta have the right downloaded player.  Just no more updates, downloads, and Offloads.  Just work when I want you to work.  And you can take all your error messages and stuff it up your USB jack.  You got that Jack!!  Just be the same day after day after day.  Never changing.  Always doing just the same old thing.  Just keep that hard drive whirring Bubba and then we’ll get along.