A rear end retrospection

Greetings All,

What a crazy and hectic year this certainly has been. Many delightful things and events have taken place with our family. More than I can write about in this brief annual Holiday newsletter.

So instead of boring you with countless splendid family events, I have chosen to focus on one or two captivating experiences. So, stay with me here.

It all begins with being thankful for Medicare. Medicare is a true blessing for my lovely spouse and me. Nonetheless, it surely has come in handy this past year.

Let’s quickly start the enthralling timeline. It all began with an unbearable lower stomach pain. A pain so severe, it almost brought me to tears. Possibly a muscular or intestinal pain. I wasn’t certain. All I knew is, it really hurt like heck. So, I called my doctor.

However, by the time I got to visit with my doctor (actually a physicians Assistant) the pain had subsided and mostly had gone away. Never the less, I had a very good Q and A with our PA. She was most helpful and I discovered she came from my neck of the woods. Southern California. We had a marvelous chat. Remember now, I now live in Oklahoma but enjoy talking to people who know what’s going on.

But anyway, after much discussion and speculation, and to be safe, she suggested a colonoscopy. So, after several calls to the colonoscopy factory (medical group) they agreed to take Medicare as total payment. Therefore an appointment was made.

This, my Holiday friends, is where the fun now begins. After numerous medical questions and more repeated medical questions, I received my colonoscopy appointment. Plus they gave me a box filled with bottles of powdered drink to take with further instructions. Stay with me here. The narrative gets better.

I was instructed that 24-hours before my appointment time to start the “cleansing” process. Now follow this:
My appointment time was 7:30AM. So, I was to start my “liquid diet” 7:30 the morning before. Okay? I could only drink clear juices. O J, lemonade, tea, etc. So far, doesn’t sound too radical. Right?

However, 12-hours before the appointment I was to start the powdered mixture. Powder plus water. Mixed in a half-gallon container. Instruction were to drink a cup every 15-minutes until container is empty. Then repeat the drinking process over again in six hours. Making the repeat at 3:30 AM. Wake up and drink again. Are you with me?

Now here is where it really gets interesting. The powdered mixture tasted something like a mix of Jet fuel and camel urine. And, please forgive me if I am misrepresenting the taste. But it is the best comparison I know. But, I will have to admit I have never drank either liquids. But if you can imagine this, my assessment might be pretty close.

Nonetheless, I almost gagged and coughed it up. Then I went to beg sympathy from my wife but she insisted I go back and drink it all down. Justifying by her saying she had done the same thing earlier this year. So, I must drink that horrid stuff.

So, by 7:00 Am I had drank a full gallon of that dragon venom. It was horrid. It was awful. It must had been life threatening. It was ruining my life. I knew I wouldn’t survive. I am toast.

All of this is not to mention what happened as a result of drinking this elephant whiz. So I won’t involve you with describing my bowel cleansing. Just use your imagination.

Now to finalize this Holiday story, after I arrived at the Colon camera shop and being interrogated even once more, I was placed on a gurney and all faded to black. Absolutely no recall of the procedure. Once the ‘look-see’ was finished, I can’t tell you how I got out of the surgical gown and into my street clothes. I have no idea how I got home. It was all a magical medical mystery. And, I am home and will never ever go back to that toxic torture tank again.

My oh my. It’s a wonderful life. Isn’t it?

I wish you the most pleasant holidays ever. Best wishes,

Chuck Ayers