A rear end retrospection

Greetings All,

What a crazy and hectic year this certainly has been. Many delightful things and events have taken place with our family. More than I can write about in this brief annual Holiday newsletter.

So instead of boring you with countless splendid family events, I have chosen to focus on one or two captivating experiences. So, stay with me here.

It all begins with being thankful for Medicare. Medicare is a true blessing for my lovely spouse and me. Nonetheless, it surely has come in handy this past year.

Let’s quickly start the enthralling timeline. It all began with an unbearable lower stomach pain. A pain so severe, it almost brought me to tears. Possibly a muscular or intestinal pain. I wasn’t certain. All I knew is, it really hurt like heck. So, I called my doctor.

However, by the time I got to visit with my doctor (actually a physicians Assistant) the pain had subsided and mostly had gone away. Never the less, I had a very good Q and A with our PA. She was most helpful and I discovered she came from my neck of the woods. Southern California. We had a marvelous chat. Remember now, I now live in Oklahoma but enjoy talking to people who know what’s going on.

But anyway, after much discussion and speculation, and to be safe, she suggested a colonoscopy. So, after several calls to the colonoscopy factory (medical group) they agreed to take Medicare as total payment. Therefore an appointment was made.

This, my Holiday friends, is where the fun now begins. After numerous medical questions and more repeated medical questions, I received my colonoscopy appointment. Plus they gave me a box filled with bottles of powdered drink to take with further instructions. Stay with me here. The narrative gets better.

I was instructed that 24-hours before my appointment time to start the “cleansing” process. Now follow this:
My appointment time was 7:30AM. So, I was to start my “liquid diet” 7:30 the morning before. Okay? I could only drink clear juices. O J, lemonade, tea, etc. So far, doesn’t sound too radical. Right?

However, 12-hours before the appointment I was to start the powdered mixture. Powder plus water. Mixed in a half-gallon container. Instruction were to drink a cup every 15-minutes until container is empty. Then repeat the drinking process over again in six hours. Making the repeat at 3:30 AM. Wake up and drink again. Are you with me?

Now here is where it really gets interesting. The powdered mixture tasted something like a mix of Jet fuel and camel urine. And, please forgive me if I am misrepresenting the taste. But it is the best comparison I know. But, I will have to admit I have never drank either liquids. But if you can imagine this, my assessment might be pretty close.

Nonetheless, I almost gagged and coughed it up. Then I went to beg sympathy from my wife but she insisted I go back and drink it all down. Justifying by her saying she had done the same thing earlier this year. So, I must drink that horrid stuff.

So, by 7:00 Am I had drank a full gallon of that dragon venom. It was horrid. It was awful. It must had been life threatening. It was ruining my life. I knew I wouldn’t survive. I am toast.

All of this is not to mention what happened as a result of drinking this elephant whiz. So I won’t involve you with describing my bowel cleansing. Just use your imagination.

Now to finalize this Holiday story, after I arrived at the Colon camera shop and being interrogated even once more, I was placed on a gurney and all faded to black. Absolutely no recall of the procedure. Once the ‘look-see’ was finished, I can’t tell you how I got out of the surgical gown and into my street clothes. I have no idea how I got home. It was all a magical medical mystery. And, I am home and will never ever go back to that toxic torture tank again.

My oh my. It’s a wonderful life. Isn’t it?

I wish you the most pleasant holidays ever. Best wishes,

Chuck Ayers

Facebook won't hang on a string.

Now, I want you to stay with me on this because there is a point to be made. During Christmases past many years ago and during a different age, my Okie mom and dad would take an old thick cotton string and hang it high overhead across the living room in our old East L A home. It was strung like a clothe line and hung on it were the many colorful Christmas cards and suspended like fresh washed laundry. Cards actually received in the mail from friends and family. Once opened and read, it would create a banner of holiday greetings for all to gleefully observe after coming into our little adobe house.

You could see various cards depicting Christmas scenes from floating candy canes to the ubiquitous little house on the fluffy snow filled prairie. And several greeting cards showing the baby Jesus lying in the manger. Cards filled with holiday verse and actually hand written greetings by its senders. Some cards even filled with a recent family narrative also hand written. Some included a black and white photo or two of their family. Of course, I loved the wacky cards with cross-eyed reindeer with holly and lights strung up in their horns.

So, Years later and carrying on the tradition, my wife would Scotch tape cards hanging diagonally down across the top of the door facing. The door going from the living room in to the dining area. And the cards would also run down lower on the sides of the facing allowing smaller readers to observe the annual greetings. Creating a holiday gallery of greeting cards. Never the less, fun at Christmas for all our visitors.
“Hmm? What is this one with the hula girl in a grass skirt with a lei made of holly?”

Now here it is. My point. With the recent trend of “E-cards,” how does one easily string E-cards across on an old cotton string or taped to a door facing? Some cards are animated video and cannot be printed off. A few are graphic with text but would look funny printed off on eight and a half by eleven printer paper. How sad.

What I will do is print off a fact sheet referring all observers to my Facebook account. Tape that to the door facing for all to read. “FYI, Go to my Facebook page and see all my lovely cards from my 1792 friends. LOL. Or, you can easily follow me and my clever greetings on Twitter. How cool. How so today. Well. Not really. How so cold and impersonal. Yuck! Hopefully this too shall pass. Now, where’s that card with Santa stuck upside down in the chimney? I’ll sign it now. Take your Facebook and Unfriend it! Or, you can Tweet… THIS!